Nerditorial: Dawn of the Legislative Dead

It has come to my attention that there might be a reasonable explanation for Resolution 2010-014 that does not involve a Legislative Zombie Apocalypse.

Naturally, I am suspicious.

Vigilance is crucial to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, including one of a Legislative variety.


Some facts to bear in mind as the Legislative Zombie Apocalypse draws near:

• The County Council appears to be trying to initiate a second Comp Plan amendment for the year, by proxy.
• The County Council appears to be interfering in the day to day operations of the Executive Branch in the process.
• The County Council is not supposed to be doing this by any means, including by passing a resolution.
• It is inappropriate to even try using a 'loophole' to bypass the Separation of Powers of the branches of government.
• This is going to cost all parties involved, including the County, a lot of money we are not going to get back.
• Someone is going to try to blame Dan McShane for this no matter how it ends. Whatever. Good luck trying to scapegoat your way out of the Legislative Zombie Apocalypse. If it works, it will be the first time it has in cinematic history.

In traditional horror movie parlance, for most of Act One, and sometimes all the way to Act Three... the plot turns on the protagonist (that's me... what..?  blame the casting director... I read for the part of one of the zombies...) struggling to convince the other characters that... yes, some horror-movie-type [bad word] is really going down.

I always thought that this was particularly unrealistic. It is pretty difficult for people to deny grave imminent danger, even if that danger isn't fully understood.

But, apparently, there is a strong undercurrent of wisdom to these horror movies where characters just will not process the information, even when it is right in front of them.

People in real life don't act logically, but for some reason this illogical is more jarringly obvious when place against a backdrop of a horror movie.

And that is one of the great struggles with the willing suspension of belief...

When you see a monster movie, you know there is going to be a monster in the movie before the movie starts.

If you are a character in the movie, you find out that it's a horror movie at a time convenient for the plot. As well as convenient for the monster. Rarely is that information made available to the character until after that information is of no long term use to that character.

And characters who know from frame one that it's a monster movie tend to do things like: take their car to the shop to make sure it runs good and has a new battery, and a full fuel tank. And arm themselves with something a little bit more substantial than the knowledge that there is some horror movie style threat.

And now I'm segueing seamlessly into talk of Resolution 2010-014. (This is not the best script... it’s a horror movie... Jane Campion doesn’t write these... get off my back...)

In horror movie parlance, Resolution 2010-014 is the 'alpha' zombie of the movie.

There are exceptions, but generally zombie themed horror movies seem to always start with one solitary animated corpse that is not supposed to be walking around, but does so anyway.

Now, it is important that people not catch on to the threat of the 'alpha' zombie too early. Because really, if the first zombie can be stopped, you have no movie.

Zombies tend to start to become a threat that is difficult to manage when there are a whole bunch of them. This is true even of the newest generation of movies with the "turbo zombies" as made famous in 28 Days Later. (I know, they aren't really zombies in that movie, but the are close enough to be invited to the annual zombie family picnic.) These zombies can run real fast, and are more of an individual threat by that virtue. Still, they have no tactical ability and can be managed as individual threats much more readily than other members of the horror movie monster line up. Particularly if the protagonists in the movie use team work.

But, slow or fast, once the zombies count starts going up, the more dangerous the zombies become.

So, at the moment, we have Resolution 2010-014 shuffling around the Legislative terrain. One Legislative Zombie.

Kill it now, and we have no movie.

Naturally, no one is going to kill it.

Soon there will be more legislative zombies.

Resolution 2010-014 will soon spawn an unholy UGA (Undead Growth Area) Ordinance and all other undead legislative actions spawned from 2010-014 will be stumbling and lurching around eating up your tax dollars.

And this is why the Legislative Zombie Apocalypse is so insidious.

Legislative zombies don't eat brains. They eat your tax dollars. And they get harder to kill the more tax dollars they eat. And you don't get anything for those eaten tax dollars. Your tax money is completely wasted, and you get nothing to show for it.

Time to point something out here...

I'm intentionally violating one of the cardinal rules of horror films.

And that is the Futile Attempt to Warn Others That is Guaranteed Not to Work.

This is what I'm doing right now. I know it's not going to work, and I'm doing it anyway.

Everyone is busy doing other stuff (like in most horror movies) and they are dismissing the Futile Attempt guy right on schedule. (like in most horror movies)

See, the Futile Attempt guy in Act One, tends to become the Guy We Should Have Been Listening to All Along in Act Three. I believe I can survive the worst that Legislative Zombie Apocalypse has in store for the County. It would be easier with help, but help will come when it integral to the plot, and I just have to hang in there until that next plot point (aka Hey, Where Did All These Zombies Come From... And Why Wasn’t I Informed?)

And the folks who are at the biggest risk of suffering the greatest loss to this Legislative Zombie Apocalypse are people who deserve to experience the Apocalypse.

It is CAITAC, and Trillium, and the rest of the Flat Earth Society of Land Use Policy who are at the biggest risk here. They are going to get hurt most by these undead legislative horrors. Because they are violating two even more fundamental cardinal rules of horror films.

First they seem to harbor the Belief That Zombies Can Be Controlled, Relied Upon, and Exploited Safely.

But worse they seem to believe Every One Here Is Mortal But Me.

The guy who makes the Futile Attempt to Warn Others That is Guaranteed Not to Work, can still make it to the end of the movie alive, and some times in pretty good shape... at least by Zombie Apocalypse standards. As long as he doesn't get too cocky about it.

The characters who harbor the Belief That Zombies Can Be Controlled, Relied Upon, and Exploited Safely... not so much.

And the characters who think Every One Here Is Mortal But Me, can't even expect to survive to Act Three.

We are now to the point of the movie where Futile Attempt guy is Being Assured Nothing Is Wrong.

Sometimes this works. We will see how this movie plays out.