Nerditorial: My New Elevator Speech For Supporting Obama

Before the Presidential Debate I already had my own Elevator Speech for why I support President Obama.

And it wasn't Joe Biden's admittedly excellent "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

I prefer to write my own material.

My old elevator speech was "Obama's Supreme Court Justice nominees alone are enough to earn him a second term."

Not bad, huh?

I was so very pleased with this speech, I was confident that I would have it in my rhetorical hip pocket through Election Day.

But the problem with that speech is it requires that the person hearing the pitch be acutely aware of the Supreme Court. And most of the very diplomatically labelled... "Low Information Voters"... can't be expected to know much about the Supreme Court or about those serving on it.

There are a lot of people who don't know who Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor are.

While writing this article, I had to do a Google search because I couldn't remember Justice Sotomayor's first name. And she is the basis of my elevator speech, for Christ's sake.

Then, just days ago, Mitt Romney gave me a better Elevator Speech than even Joe Bleepin' Biden could muster.

"A vote for President Obama is a vote to protect Big Bird."

Ba-ZING.

Who doesn't know Big Bird?

No one. That's who.

The choice for this election just achieved a state of Low Information Voter Clarity this week. And all courtesy of Mitt "I Won The Debate" Romney.

I'm trying to imagine a registered voter who is "undecided" about Big Bird. And my imagination keeps conjuring up a voter in a coma.

Either you love Big Bird, or you despise everything Big Bird stands for*. There is no middle ground.

Someone probably should have mentioned this to Romney.

Well, the good thing is... he knows now.

...so now Romney can reverse his position on Big Bird before (or better yet during) the next debate. Then the pundits can declare that debate a draw, and we will have a basis for the photo-finish horse race that the media always reports on every election cycle.

Or Romney could ride that wave of populist anti-Big Bird sentiment to electoral victory... I guess.

You think there is only nickel's worth of difference between Romney and Obama? I've got your goddamn nickel right here.

*and if you despise Big Bird, you are... by all objective measures... a vicious bastard.