Nerditorial: City and Port of Bellingham Agree To Joint Custody Of Idiot Ball

See Wendy Harris' in depth article on the Cornwall Landfill here.

So, have either the City of Bellingham or the Port of Bellingham ever seen any Monster movies? or Science Fiction movies? Or any movies? At all?

Here is the manner in which many of these sorts of movies tend to start...

Some organization, usually an Evil Chemical Company or The Guv'munt, does something felony stupid for some ostensibly business oriented or public service related reason. Sometimes it is building a residential community on top of a graveyard without moving the bodies (Poltergeist). Sometimes it is resurrecting the most dangerous predators that ever walked the Earth (Jurassic Park). Sometimes it is taking DNA templates from an extraterrestrial signal and synthesizing them in a lab, which then becomes a human-alien hybrid that escapes and goes on a Black Widow like killing/mating spree (Species). Sometimes it is developing a bio-chemical weapon that sends people into a permanent cannibalistic rage (28 Days Later). You know... stuff like that. Because tempting karmic fate always ends well. And there are no such things as unintended consequences or events ever going horribly wrong. Like in Japan with its state of the art nuclear energy facilities and their redundant safety systems and what not.

In TV Trope* parlance, these sorts of short sighted actions are generally referred to as "Holding The Idiot Ball". And it appears that the City of Bellingham and the Port of Bellingham have found themselves an Idiot Ball big enough for both of them to share.

*[Caution: The TV Trope wiki is one of the strongest time sinks on the web. It's gravitational pull on your time exceeds even that of Farmville on FaceBook. Proceed with caution, and do not visit it at work.]

Just north of Boulevard Park sits the Cornwall Landfill. This patch of man made bayside real estate is home to a small number of Model Toxic Control Act cleanup sites. It is a medley of toxic cuisines. And the City and Port, Idiot Ball firmly held in their collective hands, have decided that they are going to cover this toxic land with a protective cap of dioxin.

That's right. Dioxin.

Because... um... it... uh...

See, that's where I'm stumped.

If you are going to place a protective cap over toxic landfill, it would seem logical to cover it with something that could pass for a material less toxic than what you are actually capping. Dioxin seems somehow incompatible with that goal.

But that's what they are planning to do. And they are calling it a "beneficial reuse".

That's not what I'm calling it. The way I see it, this seems more as if the Port and the City both Took A Level In Dumbass.

Based on my initial review of just a portion of the public record on this matter, after which I nearly lapsed into a boredom induced coma, this appears to be the brain (stem) child of the Port and the City with the Department of Ecology serving as the intellectual midwife. And apparently there is enough wiggle room in the Model Toxic Control Act to allow for this. Turns out that no one bothered to write an explicit clause forbidding a municipality from covering a toxic landfill with a rich creamy topping Chock Full Of Dioxiny Goodness.

"So, should we restrict the use of dioxin as a protective cap for toxic waste sites?"


"No, of course not. No municipality is stupid enough to protect someone from a toxic substance by covering it up with a cap of an even more toxic substance."


"Yeah... You're right. A municipality would have to be run by a bunch of people who are Too Dumb To Live  for that to happen. We're just being paranoid now."

That's how I imagine the MTCA was discussed as it was being drafted, anyway.

My satirical fictional conversation makes substantially more sense than what must have been an all too real conversation on what to do about the Cornwall Landfill, though.

Apparently the plan doesn't just include slapping a thick layer of dioxinated soil on top of the medical waste. The whole mess will be covered by a liner. Like a garbage can liner, only much thicker. And the liner will be held in place by some sandbags. Big ones, I hope. And the liner is supposed to be good for five whole years.

Not feeling better about this? Neither am I.

Even if it is not a per se violation of the MTCA, that doesn't make it a good decision.

Who is going to buy anything built on top of a landfill that is essentially an enormous dioxin-biohazard-dirt lasagna? The whole point of redeveloping the waterfront is to get someone to... I don't know... buy the land and develop on that land, right? Anybody?

If someone builds a condominium complex, what are they going to call it? Dioxin Heights? Dioxin Towers?

Even if someone built such a residential area, who would choose to live in it?

For that matter, who wants to own commercial property in the Dioxin Commercial Center? or Love Canal Northwest? Or whatever one would call a commercial center planted on a foundation of carcinogenic potting soil. And who would want to work there, or even be a customer there?

And most importantly, how did the City and Port wrestle that Idiot Ball away from the County?

I mean seriously, this is a science fiction movie just waiting to happen. A bunch of medical waste combined with a dioxin chaser? All we need now is an Elder Sign (Google it), and a cameo from Willem Dafoe** and we've got C.H.U.D. 3: Chudder and Chudderer.

**[He would be the only good thing in this movie. Hopefully, he would have a crossbow of some kind.]

I for one am not convinced that a C.H.U.D. based economy will be in the long term best interest of Bellingham. For starters, there is the matter of this...

"I'm a CHUD of Subdued Excitement."

Photogenic, huh?

Tourists tend to be reluctant to vacation in places where they might get eaten by cannibalistic sewer dwelling mutants. Particularly when those mutants have heads that look like giant scrotums.

How do we market this?

"Bellingham... The City of Subdued Excitement... and CHUD"

"Participate in Ski to Sea... now with a new exciting event... The 1,000 Meter Not-Getting-Eaten-By-CHUD"

Bellingham's annual photo contest could have a category of "CHUD With Heads That Look Like Something Other Than Scrotums", for example.

Sure, the C.H.U.D. will work cheap and they will eat all the homeless people. In fact, we could probably offer them homeless people instead of money, although this may require some finessing of labor laws. But the downsides have to be taken into account, as well. Public relations issues will need to be resolved, and a funding mechanism for this P.R. effort will need to be found. Whoever works for British Petroleum would be good, but probably don't come cheap.

Finally, bear one thing in mind. When your elected officials hold onto an Idiot Ball, so do you. If you want this Idiot Ball dropped, you might want to say something now.