[A warehouse somewhere in Whatcom County. Legislative zombies shamble through the legislative wilderness nearby. Jean Melious and ApexNerd in medium shot.]
Jean
So, why am I here?
Apex
Your superior understanding of planning issues and the law are very important skill sets for surviving this legislative zombie apocalypse. Also you wrote THIS in David Stalheim's Get Whatcom Planning blog.
Jean
So, why are you here?
Apex
My superior understanding of Zombie movies, Apocalyptic movies, and... stuff. Also... could you duck just a moment, Jean?
Jean
sure.
[Jean ducks. Legislative zombie appears in frame. ApexNerd raises bad ass crossbow and fires. Head shot takes down zombie.]
Jean
Wow, that is a bad ass crossbow you have there.
Apex
I know. You take it.
[Hands crossbow to Jean.]
Jean
What will you use then?
Apex
This...
[Holds up Even Badder Ass Crossbow.]
Jean
Wow. That one's even badder ass. How come you get it?
Apex
Okay, I'll trade ya.
Jean
Wait a minute. Why are you so willing to give up that one for this one? What's
wrong with that one?
Apex
Nothing really. But I have more experience with this stuff, so I don't need the badder ass crossbow.
Jean
Okay, we swap.
[Crossbows are exchanged.]
Apex
Alright. Try not to point the crossbow at me.
Jean
Sorry. So, are we ready?
Apex
Almost. But there are some more props we are going to need...
[camera pans to an array of weaponry, including anachronistic ones such as samurai swords, and modern ones like firearms. Apex hands Jean a sword.]
Jean
and this is totally not going overboard, right?
Apex
Right.
Jean
Why are we not using the guns, exactly.
Apex
Excellent question. Guns use ammo. Also, in movies like this, they jam excessively. Unlike swords, which have no moving parts.
Jean
The crossbows use ammo, and have lots of moving parts... many of which look easy to break.
Apex
Yes, but in the entire history of movies, no one who has ever used a crossbow has ever run out of ammo for it. Nor has one ever jammed or broken.
Jean
Ah, precedent.
Apex
Correct. Also, crossbows look great in promotional posters.
Jean
That they do.
Apex
Okay, in terms of killing individual zombies, we are properly armed. Physically.
Jean
And so, what's next.
Apex
We need to figure out roughly what kind of apocalyptic zombie movie this is.
Jean
Such as...?
Apex
First, are we dealing with slow or fast zombies?
Jean
Legislative zombies are very slow.
Apex
Good, that means we won't have to run much.
Jean
That is good.
Apex
But even though the zombies are slow, you still need these...
[Holds up pair of running shoes.]
Jean
I thought there was no running.
Apex
There isn't, but if you are going to wear women's shoes, then you are going to almost certainly trip or fall or something, even if you've never had such a problem with women's shoes your entire life. Regardless the zombie movie, always wear comfortable shoes.
[Jean puts on shoes.]
Jean
All set.
Apex
Now, the next issue, are the zombies supernatural or are they biochemical?
Jean
Neither. Bureaucratic.
Apex
Very good. These zombies are not animated by a malevolent demonic force, nor are they animated by some micro organism. They are legally nullities walking around as if they were legally valid.
Jean
Correct. The animating force here is ignorance. Arguably more dangerous.
Apex
Agreed, but this fact will inform how we make it alive to the end of the movie, and possibly its blockbuster sequel.
Jean
Okay, how exactly? Don't we just aim for the zombie's head, no matter what?
Apex
Absolutely. But sweet combat scenes are just one component in play. You can do well in those scenes and still die before the end of the movie. It is critical to also exercise situational awareness.
Jean
I'm just talking here to keep the paragraphs short.
Apex
Alright, for this exposition, we are going to use a Sorkin Walk.
Jean
Say what now?
Apex
In Aaron Sorkin's "West Wing" lots of exposition is done while two characters walk through a group of sets in roughly a circle. Very good way of making a dull exposition more exciting. Also, it will throw off the director, which will reduce the risk of a lame ass zombie attack scene.
Jean
Alright, lets do it.
[Sorkin Walk begins.]
Apex
Situational awareness is the ability to keep yourself from letting your guard down by ignoring the non-obvious threats in a zombie movie.
Jean
Non obvious threats.
Apex
These depend on what actually animates the zombies. If it is a supernatural zombie movie...
Jean
Like Night of the Living Dead?
Apex
right. in those movies, any one who dies for any reason becomes a zombie.
Jean
Wait, don't you have to be bitten or anything?
Apex
No, in the Romero based zombie movie, a bite from a zombie is fatal, but even if a character dies of other causes, that character will become a zombie also.
Jean
So, situational awareness involves staying away from places where you are likely to encounter dead people.
Apex
Well, not exactly. Movies are set in places where you are required to risk going into areas where there are zombie threats. Otherwise you have no movie.
Jean
Oh, so we can't just lock ourselves in a safe place and wait for the credits...?
Apex
No, that conflicts with meta awareness, which I will get to later. But in the case of a Romero based Zombie, you want to be aware that any corpse can, and likely will, become a zombie. And the problem with locking yourself in a room is that there is no way to reduce the risk of death to zero. Inevitably, some characters have serious health issues and die of mundane stuff when no one is looking. Then, next scene, they are a zombie.
Jean
Oh, so a group locking themselves in a place together is actually risky.
Apex
Surprisingly so. If one of them dies in their sleep, then the rest find themselves locked in with a Zombie. And usually at the worst possible time. Now onto the bio zombies.
Jean
Like in 28 Day Later
Apex
Exactly. In that zombie genre, the rule is only those who are killed by zombies become zombies. This may seem easier, but it isn't.
Jean
Well, I've seen enough movies to know that usually someone is infected and they hide the fact as long as they can.
Apex
True. And although the transition is pretty rapid in 28 Days Later, in most zombie movies of this type, the transition takes a Suspenseful Amount of Time. This allows for dramatic tension to be built for the audience, and is a total pain in the ass for the characters. In this case, Situational Awareness requires an assumption after any zombie attack that someone might have become infected.
Jean
So, one of us could be infected right now. As there was a zombie attack earlier.
Apex
Correct. So, until you can verify that I'm not a zombie, you must keep that in mind.
Jean
Well, wait, won't you show obvious signs of becoming a zombie?
Apex
Only to the viewing audience. Being in a zombie movie has side effects.
Jean
Side effects.
Apex
Yes. First, your peripheral vision becomes impaired. Markedly so.
And second, at no point do you ever have the same quality of information that the audience has. So, your ability to perceive the painfully obvious is also markedly impaired. Such as noticing that someone is getting progressively more ill in a movie where progressive illness always leads to becoming a zombie.
Third, your general judgment becomes profoundly impaired for no discernible reason. This one is the toughest on situational awareness.
Jean
I don't follow.
Apex
Okay, imagine you are walking along and you see some guy covered in blood, walking around stiffly and groaning.
Jean
Okay.
Apex
He looks beat up, dirty. Oh, and he is chewing the skin off a decapitated head he happens to be holding.
Jean
He's a zombie.
Apex
No, he's not a zombie, just some guy walking around covered in blood eating a human head.
Jean
Okay.
Apex
In a million years, do you go near that guy?
Jean
Of course not.
Apex
Humor me now... why not?
Jean
Well, he is obviously dangerous.
Apex
Right. Now, same situation in a zombie movie...
Jean
I still don't go near him.
Apex
So you would think. Yet in most zombie movies, characters who are allegedly not idiots act like no one is a threat until after they have been identified unambiguously as a zombie.
Jean
Really?
Apex
Yes. It is normal for characters in zombie movies to walk right up to someone who is clearly dangerous just because it is not clear that someone is a zombie.
This brings me to Number Four. Inappropriate sentimentality.
Jean
Just talking here to keep the paragraphs short again.
Apex
Thanks for that. So in a Zombie movie, characters seem to feel the need to stroll leisurely through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief when a loved one becomes a Zombie. The problem here is, while that character is moving at the speed of a glacier through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, the zombie may well have already eaten that character's brains long before acceptance is achieved.
Jean
Alright, I see a problem here. Since we are clearly in a zombie movie...
[Zombie enters the frame. Jean shoots zombie in head.]
Apex
Nice.
Jean
Thanks... since we are clearly in a zombie movie, we are already suffering these impairments, so it doesn't look like there's much we can do to account for that.
Apex
Ah, well there is a ray of hope now. A meta-aware character.
Jean
Meaning?
Apex
Me.
Jean
You are meta-aware?
Apex
And how. I am allowed to access my understanding of zombie movies within this movie, and not just my understanding of this zombie movie, but of all zombie movies as compared to this one. This makes situational awareness more achievable, with the provision that I can't short-circuit the movie.
Jean
So you are guaranteed to survive this movie.
Apex
No. My meta-awareness assures me that I'm not guaranteed any such thing. That would sabotage the movie. In fact, if I were to take such a point of view, I would be virtually guaranteeing my death well before the third act. But my meta-awareness does keep me from getting too comfortable and from trusting what I know to be my impaired perceptions.
Jean
That helps you. What about me? Am I meta-aware now?
Apex
Nope. But you will have an easier time exercising situational awareness in my proximity, because you will be able to perceive that I am very likely to survive longer than most characters, and your experiences with me in the movie will cause you to trust my judgment more and more, even if you don't understand what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.
Jean
It seems to me that I should be meta-aware. I clearly have seen some zombie movies.
Apex
Okay, but it doesn't quite work that way. Remember in a previous scene at the beginning of the script when you said, and I quote, "But that's ridiculous, there's no such things as zombies"?
Jean
I do.
Apex
Like most characters in zombie movies, even ones made recently, you behaved as if you'd never actually seen a zombie movie before, even though those movies have been in the popular culture for literally decades. The same thing happens in vampire movies a lot, even though there are countless bestselling novels, movies, and TV shows featuring vampires.
Jean
Oh my. You are right. Even now, after killing a zombie, I'm still not quite getting my head around it. This is very upsetting.
Apex
That's the suspense talking. Besides, it isn't your job to know about zombie movies. It's your job to know about planning and the law. Which brings us back to situational awareness and legislative zombies.
Jean
Again, just talking here to keep your paragraphs manageable.
Apex
Right. Now, if dead people are the vector for supernatural zombies, and illness is the vector for bio-chemical zombies, what is the vector for legislative zombies?
Jean
Ignorance, as we established before this... Sorkin Walk... began.
Apex
Speaking of which, we are pressing our luck if we don't stop that now.
[Sorkin Walk ends.]
So, if we are on our guard around dead people in a supernatural zombie movie, and we are on our guard around sick people in a bio-chemical zombie movie, what kind of people should we be on our guard around in a legislative zombie movie?
Jean
Stupid people?
Apex
STUPID people. Correct.
Jean
Oh, my. That's not good.
Apex
It's sinking in. Isn't it?
Jean
But, there are so many of them.
Apex
I know.
Jean
And the only way to find out is to... talk to them.
Apex
It is even worse than that. Because this kind of stupid is contagious. And it can be transmitted merely by sound.
Jean
Oh, no. You mean just hearing a legislative zombie is a risk?
Apex
Yes, even if the zombie is no where near. Like Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh.
Jean
This is terrifying.
Apex
and how...
Jean
Someone is approaching.
It's Sam Crawford. Is he a zombie?
Apex
No, that's just the Belcher Swanson Sambot.
Jean
Excuse me?
Apex
The real Sam Crawford is in a coma in some sort of nutrient tank in an undisclosed location near Emerald Lake. What you think is Sam Crawford, is actually an android commissioned by Belcher Swanson.
Jean
So, do we shoot him with our crossbows?
Apex
Well, it is tempting, but no. He's not a zombie. Watch...
Hey, Sam, what do we do about all these zombies?
Sambot
It's Dan McShane's fault.
Apex
Thanks, Sam. You are in the wrong scene, and the wrong movie.
Sambot
That is Dan McShane's fault too.
Apex
Of course it is.
Sambot
And Futurewise, too.
Apex
That's a big ten-four on that. Buh-bye.
Sambot
And the Growth Management Hearings Board...
Apex
I said Buh-BYE.
[Sambot exits]
Jean
That didn't make much sense.
Apex
Never does.
Hey, how are those running shoes?
Jean
Pretty comfortable, actually.
Apex
Comfortable enough for you to run against Tony Larson for County Council this year?
Jean [pause]
Uh-huh. So, now our movie has turned into a comedy, I see.
Apex
Like Shaun of the Dead.
Jean
Saw that one.
If I were ever to run for office again, this line would be most valuable: "Jean shoots zombie in head." Because it is proof that I know my way around weapons.
ReplyDeleteI would point out, though, that the term "bad ass" is not used in our house. In middle school, in order to avoid parental disapproval, my son replaced that term with "bad arsenal." Which is fitting, in this context.
Never thought that I'd get to be in a zombie movie. Thanks, Shane! With supporting credits to Whatcom County.
Jean
The real Sam would never blame me. That uis how you tell Sambot from Sam.
ReplyDeleteYes, please do run again, Jean. I still have my yard signs.....
ReplyDeleteShannon P
Dear Apex, would you PLEASE make this into one of your most excellent anamated movies?
ReplyDeleteJean Melious for County Council 2013
ReplyDelete(I already have the buttons)
Agreed. This would make an excellent animated video. Thanks for making me smile!
ReplyDelete