Act Two, Scene Three
[A morgue, set up to perform an autopsy.]
[PLUCKY SCIENTIST and Apexnerd stand over the table. Resolution 2010-014 lies inert on the table, unmoving yet still projecting legislative menace.]
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Do I have to say it?
APEXNERD
Yes, you have to.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
[sighs]
He’s dead, Jim...
[Apexnerd laughs and laughs and laughs]
[PLUCKY SCIENTIST does not, shakes his head, and continues with the autopsy]
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
So, you are pretty chipper, all things considered...
APEXNERD
(catching his breath)
What do you mean? This is a good day.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Well, you predicted a Legislative Zombie Apocalypse and the alpha zombie is right here and no longer a threat.
APEXNERD
Oh, yeah. There will be no zombie apocalypse. Bummer.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
That’s right. You were wrong.
APEXNERD
Oh. Well, I’m no trained scientist so being wrong for me is just a day of the week that ends in a “Y”.
How am I handling it so far? Am I putting up a brave front?
How about now?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Ah, sarcasm.
APEXNERD
Yeah. I’m hiding my disappointment in there not being a zombie apocalypse behind it.
How about now?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Yeah, you are...
...hey... that was more sarcasm...
If I weren’t up to my elbow in legislative zombie guts I would so throw a text book at your head.
APEXNERD
Yeah. Whatever, College.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
You were wrong about more than that, too.
APEXNERD
Are you busting my chops as a substitute for not having a free hand to bounce a text book off my skull?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Only a little. But there is also an exposition I have to perform, too.
APEXNERD
Oh, right. I forgot.
You were saying..?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Well, you were convinced that you were playing the role of the guy who futilely attempted to warn us of the thing, but couldn’t... or... something...
APEXNERD
You mean the guy making the...
Futile Attempt to Warn Others That is Guaranteed Not to Work?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Yes. You were wrong about that too. You warned others and it worked.
APEXNERD
Oh, I’m afraid that is just not true.
Let me appeal to you as a scientist...
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Okay...
APEXNERD
Look at the evidence... other than you... and face it, you are a fictional plot device...
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Heeyyyyyyyy...
APEXNERD
Well, okay, sorry about that... but other than you... who has believed me?
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
For starters... the County Executive. He did make the kill shot.
APEXNERD
Uh-huh...
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Uh-huh, what? He did kill the zombie.
APEXNERD
He killed the resolution. He didn’t need to believe it was a zombie to do that.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
So... he didn’t believe you.
APEXNERD
Based on how everyone has been acting... other than you... who has acknowledged that there ever was even one zombie?
Stick with the empirical evidence before you.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Well... there is...
[pauses]
In my defense, I haven’t seen the entire screenplay.
APEXNERD
From Page One to this scene... you are it.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Hmmm...
So you are still the guy who made the Futile Attempt to Warn Others That is Guaranteed Not to Work, then.
[Apexnerd nods]
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
So, the only thing you were wrong about was the Legislative Zombie Apocalypse?
APEXNERD
Uh-huh...
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Wait a minute... what’s with the sarcastic ‘uh huh’.
APEXNERD
Oh, nothing. Just me using sarcasm to cover for being wrong.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
No, it isn’t.
You still think there is going to be a Legislative Zombie Apocalypse.
APEXNERD
I’m not the only one who believes it.
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Well, I don’t believe it. So, other than you, who does?
APEXNERD
The Music Director...
[cue ominous music]
PLUCKY SCIENTIST
Oh, crap.
[end scene]
No comments:
Post a Comment