Nerditorial: Dawn of the Legislative Dead (Act Two, Scene Two)

The plot thins...

Act Two, Scene Two


[medium shot of an interior. Dimly lit. Obviously some sort of villain’s lair. At the Villain’s Roundtable are: CAITEC Guy, Trillium Guy, Property Rights Lady, My Family Been Here Blabity Blah Years Dude, and a Sleazy Lawyer Stereotype. Condiments appear in a corner of the shot to subtly betray the true nature of the scene. In another corner is a Lab Coat working on what appears to be a mannequin.]


[Close shot of Lab Coat. The mannequin is revealed to be a robot. Wires and circuit boards are clearly seen emerging from the robot’s open access panel. Lab Coat is wearing clean room gloves and is inserting a silicon chip gingerly into the robot. Camera pans to reveal that this robot is fashioned to look like... Sam Crawford.]


[Dramatic music sting upon close shot of Sam-Bot’s face.]


[cut to Medium shot at Villain’s Table]






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...My family been here in Whatcom County for eighty three years, seven months, four days, and... fifty seven minutes...






CAITEC

Yeah, we heard you. Thanks for the fifteen minute updates on that. Can we get back to more pressing business now?






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...I’m just sayin’ that as a person who has lived here longer than everyone else at this table... that gives me more rights than the rest of you... I should be Presidentin’ this here meetin’...






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Actually, the law disagrees with you there, Family Man.






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...No one cares what lawyers think here in Whatcom County!!


...You done been hired from down in SEE-attle... You ain’t no Whatcom County good ol’ boy... never meanin’ no harm... So shut yer overpriced, fancy-pants, law-school book learnin’ pie hole...


Dagnabit!!






TRILLIUM

Okay, Family Man. Thanks for the news. But we didn’t ask for the weather, so try and keep the spitting to a humid minimum, please.


I am still trying to figure out why people hate me?






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Because you are Trillium. We don’t need any other reason, really.






TRILLIUM

Damn.






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

But it’s okay. As long as you have ready cash, you don’t need anyone to like you.






TRILLIUM

Oh, yeah. That’s right. Thanks!






CAITEC

Okay, can we get back to the agenda now?






[agreement from the group]






CAITEC

Young man, how is the firmware upgrade for Sam-Bot going?






LAB COAT

Ready for reboot now, CAITEC... If everyone will bear with me for one moment...






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...I don’t need no fancy lab coat wearin’ college graduate telling me what to do!!


...You ain’t no Whatcom County good ol’ boy...






OTHER VILLIANS (in unison)

SHUT UP!!






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...dagnabit...






[Sam-Bot boots up. Blinks. Begins with robotic movement. Then starts doing the Robot... meaning the Robot dance.]






CAITEC

Okay, I was under the impression that Sam-Bot was no longer going to be programmed to do this weak-ass Robot Dance after the firmware upgrade.






LAB COAT

He’s a robot. The Robot Dance subroutine goes with his programming like Minesweeper goes with every version of Microsoft Windows.






TRILLIUM

Okay, but does it have to be such a sad, pasty... Caucasian... version of the Robot Dance?






[shot of Sam-Bot doing sad, pasty white-guy-at-a-wedding-reception version of The Robot Dance]






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

This is Whatcom County. If Sam-Bot could do a good Robot Dance, his cover would be blown.






TRILLIUM

Excellent point.






[Sam-Bot’s iPhone rings]






SAM-BOT

Excuse me this is a very important call. I’m going to have to take this.






CAITEC

Alright, he is working flawlessly.


Good job, Young Man.


As a reward we will assist you in vesting your right to open a Spotted Owl Taxidermy Clinic/Phosphorus Landfill on shoreline property in the Lake Whatcom Watershed.






LAB COAT

Good. I’ve always wanted to run an environmentally insensitive commercial enterprise in a gratuitously environmentally irresponsible way in a location that makes no sense.






[Lab Coat exits]






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Actually, it is the Lake Whatcom Reservoir Watershed...






OTHER VILLIANS (in unison)

SHUT UP!






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

...dagnabit...






TRILLIUM

So, what are we going to do about this...


[refers to agenda]


...Apexnerd?


He has been drawing a lot of attention to our activity here.


He must be stopped.






[Apexnerd enters]






APEXNERD

Oh, that really won’t be necessary.






CAITEC

Apexnerd... what are you doing here? How did you find our secret lair?






[Apexnerd blinks. Gives CAITEC “the look”]






APEXNERD

This is a Bob’s Burgers and Brew.


[wide shot of Villain’s Table, now clearly seen in a corner of a restaurant.]


[Establishing shot of the exterior of a Bob’s Burgers and Brew.]


The place is open to the public. I was about to sit down to order lunch when I noticed your little Villain Convention over here on the... Lido Deck...


Could you folks BE any cheaper?



[Wait Staff enters]






WAIT STAFF

Can I get anyone a refill on coffee?






APEXNERD

How about a Sierra Mist?






WAIT STAFF

You got it.






[Wait Staff exits]






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Hey... She didn’t refill any of our cups....






APEXNERD

Yeah... you don’t tip...


By saving yourselves a whole dollar, you also saved yourselves from forgetting what the bottom of your coffee cups look like...


Very fiscally responsible of you there. But that’s not what I’m here for.






TRILLIUM

This is perfect. Now we can put an end to Apexnerd’s shenanigans right here and now.


Get him Sam-Bot!






SAM-BOT 

Do you mind? I’m on the phone.






TRILLIUM

Well... Apexnerd... when Sam-Bot... gets... off... the phone... you are SO gonna get it.






APEXNERD

It would be quicker if I held my breath until he got off the phone.






[Villians look at each other. Trying to figure out Apexnerd’s point.]






APEXNERD

...because I will pass out long before he finishes... Oh, never MIND!






[Apexnerd pulls up a seat. Wait Staff enters. Drops off Sierra Mist for Apex. Apex tips Wait Staff a dollar. Villains hold up empty coffee cups. Wait Staff ignores them and leaves.]






APEXNERD

Ahhhhh... that’s refreshing...


Yeah, why don’t you pour some piping hot dollar bills into your cups there, Cheapfinger?


Anyway, let me get you up to speed here.


This is not a James Bond movie.


This is a zombie horror movie.






TRILLIUM

Oh, this again... Sleazy Lawyer Stereotype? Get him up to speed.






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Hey, that Sleazy Lawyer Stereotype remark hurts my feelings...






TRILLIUM

Yeah, go chase an ambulance... on your own time...


Right now, you are on the clock.






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Fine... Mr. Nerd...


There are no such things as zombies and the MRI on Resolution 2010-014 clearly shows that it has the normal biological properties of legislative action and is classified and registered as a “certified non-undead legislative action” by our team of highly trained and handsomely compensated experts.






APEXNERD

Yeah, thanks for that update. Everyone is towing that line, except me.


Which is the whole point.


If this were a James Bond movie, then this whole villain... schtick... you got going here might make more sense. And then you might have to send some absurd henchman... or in this case a farcical robot... to stop me.


But this is a zombie horror flick.


So I am not able to get anyone to take action on my information in time to stop you, so there really is no point to waste your time or relax your crab claw grip on any more of your precious money.






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

Do you know how long my family has lived here in Whatcom County...?






APEXNERD

Yeah, I heard you before. Loud and clear. Five by five. Now if you will forgive me for talking while you are interrupting...


And even more to the point... you folks are the cause of the coming Legislative Zombie Apocalypse... and even you don’t believe it is going to happen.






TRILLIUM

Because our attorneys have assured us it will not happen.






APEXNERD

Okay... but do you at least have a contingency plan in the unlikely event of a Legislative Zombie Apocalypse?






VILLIANS (in unison)

Blame Dan McShane!






SAM-BOT (interrupts phone call)

What? Dan McShane? Where?!?


It’s all his fault! It’s all his fault!






CAITEC

False alarm, Sam-Bot. Go back to your phone call.






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Wait... hey, Sam-Bot... who has strong property rights?






SAM-BOT

You do, Property Rights Lady.






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Just checking. He is working flawlessly.


Go back to your phone call now, Sam-Bot.






[Sam-Bot returns to phone call]






SAM-BOT (into phone)

Yeah, something’s going on. No, I have no idea what. But whatever it is, it’s Dan McShane’s fault. Anywho...






[Apexnerd take a long draw from his soda]






APEXNERD

I know I am going to regret asking, but the Cinematic Laws of Exposition requires me to ask...


How is blaming Dan McShane going to work, exactly?






TRILLIUM

Lawyer? Break it down.






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

The process breaks down into three simple steps.


Step One. Blame Dan McShane


Step Two.


[pause]


Step Three. Profit.






[Apexnerd take another long draw from his soda, finishing it.]






APEXNERD

Ohhhhhhhh,...kay...


You don’t have a step two.


You said “Step Two” and then you paused.


You don’t actually have a step two.






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

I disagree.


Step One. Blame Dan McShane


Step Two.


[pause]


Step Three. Profit.


Three steps.






APEXNERD

What’s Step Two again?






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Well... Step One is Blame Dan McShane.






APEXNERD

And Step Two is...?






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Right! And then Step Three is Profit.






APEXNERD

Dude, you don’t have a Step Two.






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

I know Step Two...


Step Two is...


My family been here in Whatcom County for...






OTHER VILLAINS (in unison)

Eighty seven years!






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

...dagnabit....






APEXNERD

Okay, enough with the shoplifting from classic episodes of South Park already.


I am here to confirm that you actually believe that this legislative action is something that you believe you can control and use to your benefit.






CAITEC

Yes, Apexnerd, that is the way of things.


We have absolute control over this matter and these so-called Legislative Zombies are nothing of the kind.


And even if they were, they can’t hurt us. We are safe from all risks here. Everyone else will be exposed to risk here but us.


We are bodiless corporations after all.






TRILLIUM

Yeah.






[Property Rights Lady and My Family Been Here Dude look at each other]






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

wait a minute... I’m not a bodiless corporation...






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

neither am I. And furthermore my f...






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Family Man, I swear I will slap the taste right out of your mouth if you tell me how long your family has lived here one more time.


What’s your point, Apexnerd?






APEXNERD

My point is all of you have a lot of money riding on this event not ending in a Legislative Zombie Apocalypse.


The Zombie Apocalypse will devour this entire UGA agreement before it has run its course.


Who has the most to lose if the agreement falls through?


[tight shot of CAITEC and Trillium]


The multi-million dollar corporations with huge business deals riding on the outcome...


[tight shot of Property Rights Lady and My Family Been Here Dude]


The individuals who have their nest-eggs tied up in how this settlement is resolved...


Who has less to lose...?


[tight shot of Apexnerd]


The citizens who think this UGA settlement is a bad idea but will still have to foot the bill for Whatcom County wasting tax payer money and resources on this doomed effort...


And who has nothing to lose...?


[tight shot of Sleazy Lawyer Stereotype]


The attorneys who have given you this bad advice and will get paid a big pile of money whether this settlement goes through or not...






[Villains cast a suspicious look at the attorney.]






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Uh....


As you attorney, I advise you to ignore what this so-called Apexnerd has to say...


Also...


Get him Sam-Bot! Get that guy! Get him... Get...


Why is Sam-Bot ignoring me?






PROPERTY RIGHTS LADY

Your voice imprint is not included in the firmware upgrade. Sam-Bot doesn’t listen to you. He listens to us.


Duh.






APEXNERD

Well, this has been... tedious.


Kiss your money and your future dreams good bye, folks. Legislative Zombie gonna eat ‘em all up.


Except your money and your dreams, isn’t that right Attorney?






SLEAZY LAWYER STEREOTYPE

Get him Sam-Bot! Get him... Get...


Oh, never mind.


No one believes you anyway, Apexnerd.






APEXNERD

We aren’t in Act Three yet.


Say, how long have you lived in Whatcom County again...






[Apexnerd runs away]






MY FAMILY BEEN HERE DUDE

I’m glad you asked.


My family been here in Whatcom County for...






OTHER VILLAINS (in unison)

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!






[ominous music sting]