Nerditorial: Environmental Community Must Refute Theresa Sygitowicz’s Assertion That Trees Are Governed By Law of Gravity

Editorial Note: This article is satirical in nature, and Latte Republic is pretty sure that when ApexNerd claims that he is “not making this up” he actually is making it up. When confronted with this, ApexNerd told Latte Republic, “Nuh-uh.” Then he pointed behind Latte Republic and said, “Hey, look, isn’t that Elvis?”. When Latte Republic turned to look, there was no Elvis. Not even Elvis Costello. Upon turning back around, Latte Republic found ApexNerd had fled in his Nerdmobile.

The environmentalists in Whatcom County may be facing their most challenging political opponent in Theresa Sygitowicz, who is running for a position on the Whatcom County Council this year. Ms. Sygitowicz has demonstrated that she is willing and able to use environmentalist's favorite weapon, scientific facts, to indict policies advocated by environmental organizations.

From the Foothills Gazette (March 1 - 11, 2010 Edition):

...[Ms. Sygitowicz ] said, adding that although she is not a professional geologist, she has a theory on what caused the landslides there. Riparian zones - which are protected from harvest for the sake of animals that live on the banks of water bodies - added weight to the ground coming down, she said. "So what you had coming down was a lot of these riparian zones. The majority of the landslides that came down were slides that if they hadn't had that extra weight of the newly formed riparian zones, they might not have slid," Sygitowicz said. "Once the weight of the product came swooshing down the valley, it happened. There's no two ways about it."

The extra weight that Ms. Sygitowicz refers to in riparian zones is attributable to trees that inevitably increase in size and weight as a result of not allowing timber interests to harvest those trees. These trees then get all big and fat and it is this tree obesity epidemic that Ms. Sygitowicz theorizes causes the majority of landslides.


Ms. Sygitowicz’s “trees add more weight to an area when they exist in that area” theory has not been officially rebutted by any environmental group. Even the scientific community, normally the most reliable ally to the environmental movement, has abandoned the environmentalists in this battle.

In fact, the members of the scientific community, although capable of appearing to be engaged in a marginally convincing simulation of debate on global warming, are unable to even try to pretend that they don’t all agree that if there is an area somewhere on the planet, and there is a tree somewhere in that area, then the tree is adding weight to that area.

“More precisely, a tree adds mass to an area,” said one scientist, who I swear I did not make up. I was unable to get the scientist’s name, as the scientist’s method of explaining the definition of “mass” was by hurling huge physics textbooks at my head and saying “read a book, ya stupid [very bad word]”. I was able calm down the scientist and end the interview without injury by reciting Albert Einstein’s birthday. (March 14, 1879)

A member of an unnamed local environmental group who spoke with me on condition of anonymity, and who I also totally did not make up, said in response to Ms. Sygitowicz’s comments:

“Are you [bad word] [very bad word] me with this? What the hell does she grow on her farm? [Illegal substance]? If so, it must be some pretty good [bad word]. My organization isn’t going to be officially responding to bat-[bad word] crazy bull-[bad word] like this. Trees add weight to an area? No [bad word], [fictional detective].”

So, Ms. Sygitowicz clearly has the environmentalists on the defensive on this issue.

My investigation has been able to uncover the following facts that I totally did not make up:

• Trees are believed, by the scientific community, to be composed entirely of “atoms”.
• Members of the scientific community can become verbally abusive when asked what an “atom” is. Particularly when the person asking the question is making an air quotes gesture.
• All things made of “atoms” are subject to something called the “Law of Gravity”.
• If you refer to a scientist as “Doctor” or “Professor”, the interview will go better than when you refer to the scientist as “College.”
• The “Law of Gravity” is accepted as valid by all members of the scientific community, and even a large number of people outside that community, in spite of the fact that this so-called law is mentioned nowhere in the U.S. Constitution, The Federalist Papers, or the Whatcom County Charter.
• Scientists are convinced that the “Law of Gravity” is the reason that trees fall to the ground when they are harvested, instead of hurling themselves into space.
• Scientists think there is some big difference between “mass” and “weight”, but most of them also believe in global warming, too. It is better just to nod when they flap their gums about mass and just write “mass = weight; scientist = pantload” in your notebook.
• Apparently, scientists are particularly good at reading, and some of them can read upside down. This is just wrong. However, it is not yet illegal. When interviewing a scientist, never let one see your notebook.
• There are rumors that the powerful environmental lobby is responsible for preventing scientists from funding research to develop anti-gravity trees. Suspiciously, all environmental groups categorically deny this. My research confirms that these rumors were apparently started by me and are catching on like whatever the opposite of wildfire is. (Domesticated Snow?)
• If you describe Newton’s Three Laws of Motion as “elegant”, and you refer to him as “Sir Isaac Newton”, you can get a physicist to admit, off the record, that Newton was “a total dick” when he invented Calculus.
• All spokes-hippies representing environmental groups (including the ones I made up) will grudgingly and privately admit that trees do, in fact, add weight to an area. Some members of these organizations, particularly the ones I made up, will throw their hands up in the air and say, “game over, man!” like Bill Paxton did in the movie Aliens. Others will attempt to change the subject by making some far-fetched claim that trees have so-called “root structure”, and this “root structure” holds soil in place and allegedly reduces the risk of landslides.
• It is easier to write the name Sygitowicz once and then copy and paste it than it is to remember how to spell Sygitowicz.

The environmental movement is in real danger of losing the PR war to Ms. Sygitowicz if they can’t refute the science based “trees + weight = landslides” argument.

The environmental community must discredit this whole Global Gravity nonsense, rather than making some nit-picking and non-bumper sticker friendly argument about “tree roots stabilizing soil and reducing the risk of landslides in riparian areas”.

Latte Republic offers it's deepest apologies to David Barry, who pioneered the technique of "I did not make this up" and does it much better than ApexNerd does. ApexNerd has promised to invite Mr. Barry to a "ride along" in the Nerdmobile if Mr. Barry will agree not to sue the pants off of him.